The puzzle called Life!

A jigsaw puzzle is a tiling puzzle that requires the assembly of numerous small, often oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces. Each piece usually has a small part of a picture on it; when complete, a jigsaw puzzle produces a complete picture.

Life is a strange jigsaw puzzle. unlike every other, it doesnt come packed in a box for you to see how it should look like, before you muddle it up and sit down again to put it all together...

Its a strange way in which the jigsaw of life works... you never know what the complete picture will look like, or even what it should be.. and all the pieces are never ever available to you..

life keeps throwing pieces at you, one at a time or even more than one at times.. you have a blank canvas to place them on.. there is no definate way to put them together, just your will.. nothing to refer to, that helps you to figure out how one piece fits with another..

its a dynamic game.. every next piece thrown at you depends on how and where you have placed the earlier pieces.. at times, the newest piece thrown at you, upsets your entire earlier strategy of how you placed things, and the re-arrangement is not only difficult, it is painstakingly complex and infuriating..

more than not, you start to think that the jigsaw is almost complete and you are on the right track.. there are a few pieces you want that you think will make it look good and fulfilling, but either those pieces evade you or the strategy is defied!

more often than not, you are made to sit for long before a new piece comes to you.. either your earlier strategy is vastly inappropriate and needs re-thinkiing in those times or the piece is in your face and you have overlooked its existence..

all said and done, my jigsaw of life currently is alien to me.. i have designed, re-desined, changed, uprooted, re-worked and thought about a lot of new strategies.. but nothing seems to fit.. either i am grossly misinterpreting how the picture should look like, or the new pieces are strewn around that am unable to find..

whatever be the case, my life has huge gaping spaces, no pattern as of now.. its not a picture, just pieces here and there, with little help and direction for order..

My wounds don't bleed anymore!

My mind is an enigma of sorts!! Today it baffles and surprises even me! i understand today the difficulty people go through in understanding my thoughts! its so bloody confusing!

Am hurt, am terribly hurt..
i feel cheated...
but i dont feel the anger!

I feel like being stopmed upon once again in life..
but i dont feel the hate!

I want to understand your thoughts...
but i fear being alienated..
I want to let you be happy,
but it makes me sad to let you go away...

the biggest thorn that doesnt stop pricking,
is the feeling of worthlessness and stupidity on being fooled again..

I wouldnt say a thing..
Just tell me things to my face!

The wounds don't bleed anymore..
But that doesnt mean the cuts dont pain!

Writing takes away the pain....

It’s a strange world that I live in... Today, I live in a void... The space created not by loneliness, unhappiness or grief, but by the unexplainable in my life... So much has changed in the past one year that at times I don’t recognize my own life, I fail to relate with it... even the face that was me betrays me in the mirror.. The glow is gone, so is the smile... I see a depth to my eyes that goes endlessly deep... the face is contoured, the colour pale, this is not the me that I know...
It's not that my life is not a happy story right now... its cheerful, its pleasant... it’s a dream in its own way... but then every few days, there comes a moment when I blank out, I fall into the darkness of incomprehensible facts of my life.. It’s a myriad, a maze that am still unable to navigate... the blackness seems to engulf me and eat me up... the long forgotten sense of anxiety and helplessness has come back to haunt me..
After a day spent well, I charge to my room with memories to cherish and keep for life... but from nowhere a disdain takes over and flings at me its heavy grief struck wand... the pain keeps getting manifolds every time I get into this phase... The incomprehensibility just keeps increasing... the stone on my heart keeps getting heavier with every passing day...
It had been too long since I woke up crying... since I woke up in the middle of a nightmare screaming... it scares me to feel all that again... once again in life, the fear of waking up alien to my thoughts, keeps me awake as far as I can... As I write this, I feel my breath shorten, my chest constrict, the sweat fall off my forehead... it isn’t hot, but I have that unwelcome yet familiar feeling of claustrophobia yet again.. The room is lit, the curtains drawn away... yet something makes the wall look like they are charging and closing up on me...
I don’t even know what I am supposed to be writing here, just that I am struck with grief the reason for which I don’t know... it’s a hollow... And that’s all I know! It’s a vacuum that I am falling into, it just doesn’t end, this pain... the night only seems to get longer and longer... the day seems far far away...
In all probabilities, this is a psychological ‘problem’ in my head... but it is... and there is nothing that I can do to make myself feel helped!