have you ever lost everything?
its the feeling of bitter truth consummating in a hell-o-dread yet so again.. is it all coming back to me? its the constricting feeling of blood stomping to gush in your veins, the paranoiac attack of having repeated a blunder again, the condemnation of the soul that exists in your yet so lifeless a body gone waste, its the dread-o-Archy of the things blown right through your face..
well in simpler words, I'll miss you loads..
I'll miss the times we fought and re-made, the times we completed sentences for the other, the times we understood without being told, the times we did the untold.. I'll miss the little stupid games, the daily night fights, the whispering into the phone, the wait for the call after a regular fight, the unending wait of the first day of college, the bickering over nails, the stupid little casual grains..
I'll miss the one who gave me the biggest happiness, the biggest source of inspiration in my life, the best gift i ever got... I'll miss the memories that could and would have been..
I'm sorry i took you so for-granted.. I'm sorry that i couldn't understand the very basics of life.. I'm sorry i stooped down to the level of comparing things materialistic.. I'm sorry i undid everything..
I'm sorry that i didn't learn from my mistakes...
I take a small break from this place dear visitors.. I'll be back here to write when i have recollected myself, forgiven myself for what i did (intentionally?), when i have gotten over this paranoia!
I'll be fine someday soon..
I'll be here then.. Its not easy losing your closest two friends who have always competed silently for THE position in your life, in the same second, in simultaneous chat windows, for practically the same reason, with the same deafening effect on my numb going life...
I'll be fine...
No more sayonaras today..
Its a goodbye dearies!
A teary farewell to you both..
Wednesday, November 5
November 5,2008
i have a lot to write but am short on words today
well it was a lose-all-close-people-day today.. the long running battle between love and family is about to take an ugly and the most dreaded turn.. the choose-one-amongst-the-two turn... it just feels shivery to be in the thick of everything.. and its worse still if you vent out one feeling in a place where it is not applicable..
okay its like loosing a childhood friend, family, best pal, and all the leftover sanity in a single day.. its not painful.. its not even pricking... i just go numb.. i feel nothing.. just an empty space inside me.. i have lost enough already.. there is nothing much left anymore anyway..
i will not ask for forgiveness, i will not plead..
its the heart that has made the murmur, i'll silently leave it to bleed
sayonara!!
well it was a lose-all-close-people-day today.. the long running battle between love and family is about to take an ugly and the most dreaded turn.. the choose-one-amongst-the-two turn... it just feels shivery to be in the thick of everything.. and its worse still if you vent out one feeling in a place where it is not applicable..
okay its like loosing a childhood friend, family, best pal, and all the leftover sanity in a single day.. its not painful.. its not even pricking... i just go numb.. i feel nothing.. just an empty space inside me.. i have lost enough already.. there is nothing much left anymore anyway..
i will not ask for forgiveness, i will not plead..
its the heart that has made the murmur, i'll silently leave it to bleed
sayonara!!
Tuesday, November 4
What??
okay am not lying to anybody anymore.. yes am completely lonely...
i really don't know what to do... i have so much but then the heart is engaged in a battle with the mind.. its completely insane.. am lonely most of the day.. thinking to myself on what can be done.. i have an uphill task.. i have a destination to reach a mission to accomplish but yet again, the vision is blurred beyond everything..
is it tears?
i really don't know what to do... i have so much but then the heart is engaged in a battle with the mind.. its completely insane.. am lonely most of the day.. thinking to myself on what can be done.. i have an uphill task.. i have a destination to reach a mission to accomplish but yet again, the vision is blurred beyond everything..
is it tears?
Preface?? Maybe not....
threads can be of materials numerous... what distinguishes one from the other is the material that makes it, the age, the strength, and most importantly the way it is built..
a silken thread, woven by a moth, is a cellulite, woven in rope like extremely entangled and complexly structured irreversible bonds.. a silken thread is the finest and the costliest thread know to me.. its said that threads of silk don't break so easy but when they do, the mend is not possible....
likewise we build, we nurture, we supposedly form strong bonds... for us its the costliest, the finest relationship ever.. its completely irreversible even an inch.. there is no turning back or running away in such relationships... we just keep adding up complexity in lieu of a strong structure, ignoring completely the maze streaming up in front of our eyes... very complexity leaves no scope for a knot when there happens a tear... its so fine, that the knot slips.. there is no place for error correction, an error situation had not been sensed and designed while creating!
we have two options now.... either to mourn the broken thread or to carry the two separate pieces to a more congenial environment separately where they could be given a better role to form a better masterpiece..
stitching up together is an option but the cost benefit analysis gives in a deep loss...
its firm somewhere in the mind despite the heart's cries that its finally over this time.. there is no looking back..
The thread detached from me is a finer quality preen... may THE weaver weave with it, the world's finest sheet!
a silken thread, woven by a moth, is a cellulite, woven in rope like extremely entangled and complexly structured irreversible bonds.. a silken thread is the finest and the costliest thread know to me.. its said that threads of silk don't break so easy but when they do, the mend is not possible....
likewise we build, we nurture, we supposedly form strong bonds... for us its the costliest, the finest relationship ever.. its completely irreversible even an inch.. there is no turning back or running away in such relationships... we just keep adding up complexity in lieu of a strong structure, ignoring completely the maze streaming up in front of our eyes... very complexity leaves no scope for a knot when there happens a tear... its so fine, that the knot slips.. there is no place for error correction, an error situation had not been sensed and designed while creating!
we have two options now.... either to mourn the broken thread or to carry the two separate pieces to a more congenial environment separately where they could be given a better role to form a better masterpiece..
stitching up together is an option but the cost benefit analysis gives in a deep loss...
its firm somewhere in the mind despite the heart's cries that its finally over this time.. there is no looking back..
The thread detached from me is a finer quality preen... may THE weaver weave with it, the world's finest sheet!
whats so scary about the night today? what is keeping me awake?
am tired, am free, am bored... yet in the deep of the night, i am wide awake!!
i have a strange question and an echoing sound in my mind...
is it the dissonance before the onset of a perfectly balanced thought into your intellect or is it the calm before the reasoning fails!
could be anything.. one of them, or maybe a sight i cant foresee... life is such dearies.. not much is predictive, not much is comprehensive.. it seems like a bed of roses but the thorns are very much always a part of the package....
its really strange how a single incident can change the entire course of your life... does it really so dependent on a sole-reason to steer you through... strangeness at its best yet again..
life is wired in a very peculiar manner.. everything that goes down comes up again someday.. its a wheel.. only the dia varies for people... nothing gets taken away, nothing is ever lost.. its the way we see things...
am tired, am free, am bored... yet in the deep of the night, i am wide awake!!
i have a strange question and an echoing sound in my mind...
is it the dissonance before the onset of a perfectly balanced thought into your intellect or is it the calm before the reasoning fails!
could be anything.. one of them, or maybe a sight i cant foresee... life is such dearies.. not much is predictive, not much is comprehensive.. it seems like a bed of roses but the thorns are very much always a part of the package....
its really strange how a single incident can change the entire course of your life... does it really so dependent on a sole-reason to steer you through... strangeness at its best yet again..
life is wired in a very peculiar manner.. everything that goes down comes up again someday.. its a wheel.. only the dia varies for people... nothing gets taken away, nothing is ever lost.. its the way we see things...
Monday, November 3
and i completely forgot to mention my failures :P
okay.. attended the orientation for electives... AND... guess what i am picking up as electives!!
2 biotechnology subjects
1 Professional development subject
1 Psychology subject
the main reason for the choices above is no coding to be done, no projects to be undertaken and a lotta time to lie down and relax doing things i would like to do...
and the important point not to be missed is that i am going to be an Information technology Engineer in another 6 months time from now... so good luck to me...
hehe
this post is not to deter anyone but to remind you all that dont worry, widen your horizons cause if you are into shit already, it doesnt mean that you cant get to the grass, wipe the shit out and plunge into clear waters for a refreshing bath..
and for a dear friend who asked for my views, its necessary to complete your graduation for one very important reason-- "so that you can get out and do something really more interesting and useful.. and you'll know that the other thing is useful and interesting only when you'll be over the monotony and gibberish of this insanity called your graduation"
sayonara!!
okay.. attended the orientation for electives... AND... guess what i am picking up as electives!!
2 biotechnology subjects
1 Professional development subject
1 Psychology subject
the main reason for the choices above is no coding to be done, no projects to be undertaken and a lotta time to lie down and relax doing things i would like to do...
and the important point not to be missed is that i am going to be an Information technology Engineer in another 6 months time from now... so good luck to me...
hehe
this post is not to deter anyone but to remind you all that dont worry, widen your horizons cause if you are into shit already, it doesnt mean that you cant get to the grass, wipe the shit out and plunge into clear waters for a refreshing bath..
and for a dear friend who asked for my views, its necessary to complete your graduation for one very important reason-- "so that you can get out and do something really more interesting and useful.. and you'll know that the other thing is useful and interesting only when you'll be over the monotony and gibberish of this insanity called your graduation"
sayonara!!
November 3, 2008
Today i need not think about the adjective for my day at all.. it is as simple.. "It was the best-lecture-day of my life".. for the first time in my life as an engineering student i thoroughly enjoyed a lecture, learnt from it and could relate to the nuances of life and general human thinking... How i wish you had attended the lecture today...
Am a better person today.. better in the comparative notion.. not that i was good and am superlative now... i am just better than yesterday... a little less bad would be more appropriate..
what i learnt today is a reflection of what i would have always desired to learn... i perceived that my intelligence is legislative in function, oligarchic in form, local in its level, internal in its scope and leaned to a liberal role...
i am no more sad that am not intelligent.. (not that i was sad ever....) i never wished to be intelligent but i want people to realize that there exist 2 types of IQed people heirarchically stronger than intelligent people... they are the creatives and the wise... i might not be wise but am satisfied being the creative... its been a passion all my life, and the motivation to be creative is the creation itself... no external stimuli has triggered nor will trigger my thoughts, my will, my thinking, my knowledge, my meta-cognition... i was always a meaning-directed learner/performer... i came to this world of receptives, discoverers and rotes... i would have been lost but i managed to sail through...
i know am being too self-praisy today but its the mood i guess.. am just too perplexed.. am over-whelmed by the info i have gained today.. am possibly a complete new me...
today i know i was not successful all this while because i was...
a)an Unrealistic optimist who completely believed that i was a perfectionist and anything and everything that would be done by me would meet a successful end
b)an Egocentric who had started to believe that i was the ruler of the world and no one would survive if i was to go away. i lived to fulfill the perceptions of those who made me feel like the queen.. (they were not wrong.. i was the one expecting too much..)
c)Omnipotent...I always wanted to do more than what my physical, mental, psychological strength permitted. i had lost the sight that my power is not how much i stretch it.. i was stretching too thick in a passage so thin..
d)Invulnerable...
am more human today.. and as my prof says... "beware of the high IQed who believe that the fallacies don't exist!"
and now the reply to the counter thought on yesterday's post:
dear, my fight was never with you, was never against you.. i have nothing against you and am still one of the biggest well-wishers you ever have.. when life pushes a bird to be a fish's best mate, they will do fine till the time the bird sits on a tree and talks to the fish whilst the latter enjoys its swim... but the moment the bird or the fish would try to either themselves adapt to their friend's world, or force its dear friend to come to its world, one of them would die...
i don't know about you, but i had been holding my breath for a while now.. i had been trying to fit into your world, to do things the way you would have wanted me to do.. even if both of us try to close our eyes to the truth and become completely insane, we will never be able to deny the fact that we are two humans who are completely incompatible.. its not worth the pain of fighting everyday wen the fish can find fishes and bird the other birds... the fish will do better if it stays among the fish and the bird will soar high wen it leaves the fish's company, the comfort of the tree and take flight again...
too hurt you is to hurt me.. but then they say that no pain gives no gain.. i can assure you that being apart would do us a lot of good that we had shut our eyes to...
and i'll always be there deep inside my comfort zone of the pleasing waters to see you flying high in the sky above me.. i'll be there.. always...
sayonara!!
Am a better person today.. better in the comparative notion.. not that i was good and am superlative now... i am just better than yesterday... a little less bad would be more appropriate..
what i learnt today is a reflection of what i would have always desired to learn... i perceived that my intelligence is legislative in function, oligarchic in form, local in its level, internal in its scope and leaned to a liberal role...
i am no more sad that am not intelligent.. (not that i was sad ever....) i never wished to be intelligent but i want people to realize that there exist 2 types of IQed people heirarchically stronger than intelligent people... they are the creatives and the wise... i might not be wise but am satisfied being the creative... its been a passion all my life, and the motivation to be creative is the creation itself... no external stimuli has triggered nor will trigger my thoughts, my will, my thinking, my knowledge, my meta-cognition... i was always a meaning-directed learner/performer... i came to this world of receptives, discoverers and rotes... i would have been lost but i managed to sail through...
i know am being too self-praisy today but its the mood i guess.. am just too perplexed.. am over-whelmed by the info i have gained today.. am possibly a complete new me...
today i know i was not successful all this while because i was...
a)an Unrealistic optimist who completely believed that i was a perfectionist and anything and everything that would be done by me would meet a successful end
b)an Egocentric who had started to believe that i was the ruler of the world and no one would survive if i was to go away. i lived to fulfill the perceptions of those who made me feel like the queen.. (they were not wrong.. i was the one expecting too much..)
c)Omnipotent...I always wanted to do more than what my physical, mental, psychological strength permitted. i had lost the sight that my power is not how much i stretch it.. i was stretching too thick in a passage so thin..
d)Invulnerable...
am more human today.. and as my prof says... "beware of the high IQed who believe that the fallacies don't exist!"
and now the reply to the counter thought on yesterday's post:
dear, my fight was never with you, was never against you.. i have nothing against you and am still one of the biggest well-wishers you ever have.. when life pushes a bird to be a fish's best mate, they will do fine till the time the bird sits on a tree and talks to the fish whilst the latter enjoys its swim... but the moment the bird or the fish would try to either themselves adapt to their friend's world, or force its dear friend to come to its world, one of them would die...
i don't know about you, but i had been holding my breath for a while now.. i had been trying to fit into your world, to do things the way you would have wanted me to do.. even if both of us try to close our eyes to the truth and become completely insane, we will never be able to deny the fact that we are two humans who are completely incompatible.. its not worth the pain of fighting everyday wen the fish can find fishes and bird the other birds... the fish will do better if it stays among the fish and the bird will soar high wen it leaves the fish's company, the comfort of the tree and take flight again...
too hurt you is to hurt me.. but then they say that no pain gives no gain.. i can assure you that being apart would do us a lot of good that we had shut our eyes to...
and i'll always be there deep inside my comfort zone of the pleasing waters to see you flying high in the sky above me.. i'll be there.. always...
sayonara!!
Sunday, November 2
November 2, 2008
hmm.. i just learnt another lesson of my life... no more Aquarius males.. no more to do with people who add, delete humans to their life.. nothing personal anywhere but am a heap of emotions and not as mechanical as being a 'ccp'-ed friend... its the way I think...
okay... as for the day.. it was a working fun sunday... made the tiny kids bunk their lab [:P] it was fun... and TKLR cancelled was a bit of an upset but some free time doesnt do bad usually...
Another thing!! i'm loving it!!
threads-in-time is nearing completion... fingers crossed.. prayers on [:)]
dinner again today.. but its a stress buster at times.. so kinda-looking forward to it...
sayonara!!
okay... as for the day.. it was a working fun sunday... made the tiny kids bunk their lab [:P] it was fun... and TKLR cancelled was a bit of an upset but some free time doesnt do bad usually...
Another thing!! i'm loving it!!
threads-in-time is nearing completion... fingers crossed.. prayers on [:)]
dinner again today.. but its a stress buster at times.. so kinda-looking forward to it...
sayonara!!
Saturday, November 1
Saturday November 1,2008
how am i supposed to describe my day?
good?
nice?
okay lets not try giving it an adjective... it was a lazy Saturday holiday... nothing much done.. nothing much thought of.. nothing much achieved...
but a decision taken...
i have lived enough to please others around me.. i'll no more do things or lie blank to please the ones around me.. i'll do what my heart says and say what honesty permits...
and yes... life is not the heap of pride you consider it to be.. yes i know u are reading it...
as for me.. the work is postponed to be done after dinner.. lots to be done.. so little time...
project presentations suck!!
they really do!!
but am going to get better of the odds.. i'll fight it out now!!
i will!
get that straight in the eye
sayonara!!
good?
nice?
okay lets not try giving it an adjective... it was a lazy Saturday holiday... nothing much done.. nothing much thought of.. nothing much achieved...
but a decision taken...
i have lived enough to please others around me.. i'll no more do things or lie blank to please the ones around me.. i'll do what my heart says and say what honesty permits...
and yes... life is not the heap of pride you consider it to be.. yes i know u are reading it...
as for me.. the work is postponed to be done after dinner.. lots to be done.. so little time...
project presentations suck!!
they really do!!
but am going to get better of the odds.. i'll fight it out now!!
i will!
get that straight in the eye
sayonara!!
Am i Claustrophobic?
AM I?
what happens to me when i enter a movie hall? a lift? a cave?
its the same feeling even wen its pitch dark or too crowded.. Am i gripped by the fear of closed and crampy things?
what happens to me when i enter a movie hall? a lift? a cave?
its the same feeling even wen its pitch dark or too crowded.. Am i gripped by the fear of closed and crampy things?
"What are the symptoms of claustrophobia:
These symptoms are: Breathlessness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly.
Other symptoms are:
A fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack."
Where am i headed???
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