I think i love you: Part 2

I am not trying to undo your definitions of love, or to preach.. i am just jotting down the strains of thoughts in my head.. i may not say this explicitly in this post again, but whatever follows is my point of view.. you can wish to agree or disagree :)

love is a strange, undefinable region in our head. its not a feeling, its not a relationship, its a perception. people can differ on their takes on that personal space in their cranium but here is mine.

for me, the space is well carved out and cannot hold a crowd. Its not an expandable, inflatable region and has strict entry barriers to it. you could call me a stuck up bitch, but i wouldnt care less. until recently i believed that this space had no contact or diffussion with the rest of the head, but some events in the past few days have forced me to accept that a reverse osmosis applies and my boundaries are a little fused. at times you take a few steps back and forth before you hit the right spot. the process might tire you or burn you out, but more than not its a good reality check.

for me love is not a male-female or a male-male/fem-fem physical cum emotional bonding created by lurement of promises and visions of future or by the exchange of sweet nothings and strong words. for me, its a totally different experience.
for me its something that has no expectations, has no conditions, has no astrises.

Its that space in the world where you can be yourself without the thought of being judged or compared coming to your mind. love for a person is a resolve that i could end up doing anything for. Its the joy of spending time with people/things who give you the space to be. it doesnt have to have a reason, it only has to have a synergy. i wouldnt necessarily say a positive synergy.

the demarkations between the worldly definitions of love, like, lust, love-like, friendship are very fuzzy, mine are blurred, but my definations are no where near.
for me there is no strict boundary between any of these, its a common territory with varying depths for different people but not varying regions. for me marriage is an unnecessary social burden: why cant people who love, live their life the way they want and not how the world wants them to live it! why is marriage defined as the passport to not only unify two souls but also two physical entities.. is it not a personal choice??

why cant i "love" two or more people at the same time? love is not an exclusivity! its not an item in extinction.. i feel strongly for more than a single individual in my life and why cant i?! my comfort zone ends at different points with different individuals, and no one but me needs to be in a position to justify the implications or the threshold of my actions, if there ever be a need.

for me love is a strange empty place that is filled by different individuals at differnt times in my life.. some stay forever, while others keep leaving or coming back. after all they know the way in through those barriers.

for me, my heart is not something to think with. Life has been one very logical, step-wise, practical journey. i wouldnt ever do something, or let anyone force me into something that doesnt fit into my scheme of things.. and as far my vision goes, its not too far fetched, its not too distant, its not too ambitious.. my goals are small, short termed, achievable aspirations of my life. everything has to have a practical connotation and a rationale supporting it in the hindsight. be it be a relationship, be it be a step forward or a retracal in life.

i know that there are very few takers for my definitions, but that doesnt stop me from pouring my mind out.. i wouldnt really matter if i'm tagged promiscous, specially not when i dont agree on your deinition on that either.

Its the most treasured space in my head, that i call love, its my space, my world, its the place i frequent everytime i need support, i need care; and it has to be reciprocal.

I think I Love you....

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.”
-- anonymous

why is life so strange! why do I like the cutest of birds, who fly with the highest of flocks.. why do I dream of flowers which are only drawn on paper.. why do I want to swing, only when a bully wants to too.. why do I want to reach the stars.. why do I want a piece of the moon.. why do I desire a color that cant be mixed.. why do I wish to draw the perfect circles, why does a line have to be straight.. why do i dream the same dream every day?

why cant i choose to do the simpler things! why cant i make an easier choice! why cant i just think of do-able things?

I started out to copy my random writings from my class-note-book onto the blog.. and when i re-read there were things i had not really thought of when i was writing.. there were things that i just could not put here.. there were things i could not leave in that place.. not that anyone who reads them will ever understand.. but its a pain that, i am so sure now, will never go away..

am baffled, there was so much going on in my mind.. my hand co-ordinated with my heart to pour it out on my paper.. but when did my mind go so blank to not figure it out.. i knew i was writing.. i knew the theme was my life.. but i never sensed that pain.. maybe i had it all till now.. maybe i still have it.. maybe i wouldnt have ever realised till 'it' went away..

or maybe.. its only the absence that would have made me realise.. it never happened.. it will not in some more time to come.. i had taken it for granted maybe.. maybe it was a grave mistake.. but it is not something i planned to do.. not something i really saw coming.. not something i had even in my dreams anticipated..

Life is not such.. life has to have a rule.. life cant just impose everything it needs to say.. but am completely broken... completely out of my wits to realize if things are what they should have been.. am not sure if its the right cord i have hit.. it seems so, but the loss is irreparable..

i cant speak.. i cant act.. but i cant let it go away.. its not a choice i want to make.. never.. its not a dream to which i want to wake.. its the truth of my life, however harsh, however unthinkable, its now a fact of my life.. and there is just no running away..

there is a song, whose lyrics i can think of.. may not be completely apt here, but yes they kind of say what my heart wants to leap out and say..

here it is with due credit to David Cassidy

I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
When all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knockin' at my brain.
Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed
Screaming out the words I dread:
"I think I love you!"

This morning
I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself and never talk about it
And didn't I go and shout it
When you walked into the room.
"I think I love you!"

I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.

I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way.

wwwwhhhh

I don't know what I'm up against.
I don't know what it's all about.
I got so much to think about.

Hey, I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.

I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way.

Believe me,
You really don't have to worry.
I only want to make you happy
And if you say,
"Hey, go away," I will
But I think better still,
I'd better stay around and love you.
Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face:
Do you think you love me?


It feels strange to put this up here.. there maybe a lot of interpretations.. but its the most bizzare you could come up with.. maybe to let the world know will ease my pain.. maybe there will no viewers to this piece.. maybe..

Its just a stupid game...

I get ready to leave back for home, again. But somehow the spirits have died. I no more feel like being home. Home wasn’t home last time I was there.
The empty place next to the dinner cabinet, the silence after a door bell, the empty wet bathroom, the silence behind the locked front door, the bare shaft floor, the absence of footsteps in the drive-way on reaching home. There is so much more.
The house is devoid of my trustee, my confidante. There is no one to listen to my endless blabber without speaking a single word, no one to give me the expression of serenity when I would be troubled, no one to sit beside me when I am dazed, No one to nudge me for a drive, no one to greet me when I enter, No one to intervene when we would pick up a fight, no one to take sides in a heated argument, No one who would love me double when I would hurt her, no one who would sleep with her head in my lap without a bother. There were no fights for éclairs, no tiffs for the last piece of chicken, no clashes for attention from dad, nor races to reach home first but still waiting at the gate to enter together.
You promised me you’ll be there when I would come back. I know you can’t leave me and go. I know you’ll not deprive me of the look of longing-ness for a steamy bath, the enthusiasm of running around crazily for nothing, the trampling with the footwear, the tugging on jeans, the escaping with the ball to draw attention, our fights with the towel, our sleeping in the same blanket together.
I know it’s a bad dream that needs to get over soon. I know it’s raining and I want to run around skidding in the drive-way with you in tow. It’s always me who hides in the game of hide and seek. It was not for you to hide and never come back. Its just a silly game Crispy, you didn’t have to hide where you couldn’t be found.