It’s a strange world that I live in... Today, I live in a void... The space created not by loneliness, unhappiness or grief, but by the unexplainable in my life... So much has changed in the past one year that at times I don’t recognize my own life, I fail to relate with it... even the face that was me betrays me in the mirror.. The glow is gone, so is the smile... I see a depth to my eyes that goes endlessly deep... the face is contoured, the colour pale, this is not the me that I know...
It's not that my life is not a happy story right now... its cheerful, its pleasant... it’s a dream in its own way... but then every few days, there comes a moment when I blank out, I fall into the darkness of incomprehensible facts of my life.. It’s a myriad, a maze that am still unable to navigate... the blackness seems to engulf me and eat me up... the long forgotten sense of anxiety and helplessness has come back to haunt me..
After a day spent well, I charge to my room with memories to cherish and keep for life... but from nowhere a disdain takes over and flings at me its heavy grief struck wand... the pain keeps getting manifolds every time I get into this phase... The incomprehensibility just keeps increasing... the stone on my heart keeps getting heavier with every passing day...
It had been too long since I woke up crying... since I woke up in the middle of a nightmare screaming... it scares me to feel all that again... once again in life, the fear of waking up alien to my thoughts, keeps me awake as far as I can... As I write this, I feel my breath shorten, my chest constrict, the sweat fall off my forehead... it isn’t hot, but I have that unwelcome yet familiar feeling of claustrophobia yet again.. The room is lit, the curtains drawn away... yet something makes the wall look like they are charging and closing up on me...
I don’t even know what I am supposed to be writing here, just that I am struck with grief the reason for which I don’t know... it’s a hollow... And that’s all I know! It’s a vacuum that I am falling into, it just doesn’t end, this pain... the night only seems to get longer and longer... the day seems far far away...
In all probabilities, this is a psychological ‘problem’ in my head... but it is... and there is nothing that I can do to make myself feel helped!
Koi naa yaar tension na le...Everything gonna be allrght...you have a family and set of friends who will stand by you come what may
ReplyDeleteEverything has their such moments just that unlike u most of them are unable to face those times.
Tc and apna dhyaan rakhiyega
Keep smiling
Hold hands! Life is about finding happiness for those who care for you and love you. Its not about being selfish and creating hatred for yourself. Think on lines you want to blind yourself to, think of dreams you have once lived for. Maybe, this is an indication for you to not sway too far. trust the trust you once created.
ReplyDeleteCharu, we have known you change for good way back then and trust me up-and-downs are part of life. Don't alienate yourself to care that has always been yours. Everything in life can get the next chance. I just hope that its not too late for you to go back.
apna dhyaan rakhiyega, aur koi aapka dhyaan karhna chehega zindigi bhar...
Come to peace with yourself... You are not as strong and hard-hearted as you want to show to the world. You don't have a dark side, stop comforting yourself with this false. You are best when you are kind, forgiving and smiling. This is what you long for and this is what makes you. This is the definition of real Charu, how has touched many lives to make them beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHatred, anger, betrayal and cheated are words close to your these days, but these are not that could stop for for being yourself. Don't go into the darkness you once came from. You have done much work to ruin the individuality that you stand today. should this go in vein?
think who in the world can understand you the most. Who in the world has made you most comfortable. Your mom and dad, Charu.. they are the ones you have to life for, be happy for... they need you as much as you need them at this moment.
Even if you fall short of what you long for today, you will get it tomorrow. But if your lose what you can only get today, the pain shall be with you always. Listen, nobody I know has ever hated you and if they still stand by you today, that means you are special to them.
Go, run and get best for you in life...